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Saturday, August 13, 2016
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Live for Today
I will never come close to winning the best mother award, I am the farthest from perfect of any human, but I did try to teach you all wrong from right. So when I see you all making decisions that might hurt you it hurts me. When I see you following in my foot steps, it hurts me, and when I see you making the same mistakes I made, it hurts me.
The disappointment I feel is never towards either of my girls, the disappointment I feel is towards myself because of my mistakes I caused you to make your mistakes. We all have second, third, fourth, and on and on of chances to make up for what we did wrong but we first have to acknowledge that the paths we are taking are the wrong paths and we have to turn back. And I can't do that for my girls, they have to do it themselves and that is the difficult part to watch.
I think about all the things I wanted to do with my girls but I put off and now I live with the regret of not doing what I should have done and it kills me. I try to make up for it but I do believe at times it's too late. If you are a mother of young children don't make the same mistakes I made, put those little ones first. Make time to always do today what you think you have time for tomorrow because tomorrow doesn't care of all your good intentions. Tomorrow eats you up alive if you don't take advantage of today.
Marisol
The disappointment I feel is never towards either of my girls, the disappointment I feel is towards myself because of my mistakes I caused you to make your mistakes. We all have second, third, fourth, and on and on of chances to make up for what we did wrong but we first have to acknowledge that the paths we are taking are the wrong paths and we have to turn back. And I can't do that for my girls, they have to do it themselves and that is the difficult part to watch.
I think about all the things I wanted to do with my girls but I put off and now I live with the regret of not doing what I should have done and it kills me. I try to make up for it but I do believe at times it's too late. If you are a mother of young children don't make the same mistakes I made, put those little ones first. Make time to always do today what you think you have time for tomorrow because tomorrow doesn't care of all your good intentions. Tomorrow eats you up alive if you don't take advantage of today.
Marisol
Sunday, May 10, 2015
The best we know how, isn't the best.
Today is Mother's Day and I feel like this "holiday" is meant for the children in our lives, they are reason we are mothers. My mother was everything to me but I don't believe she knew that and that's my fault, I didn't let know her know. I think about her everyday. I miss her very much but I am also living her life and I know that is something she didn't want for us. I am repeating some of her errors and I am certainly repeating her pain.
My girls mean everything to me yet I didn't do my best to raise them. I was told that I did the best I knew how for that moment in time, but it wasn't my best. I live with the guilt everyday and now those moments are gone. And I do not want them to repeat my mistakes like I repeated my mother's mistakes. I know in my heart my mother did the best she could for us. We were never hungry, my husband had never experienced meals in life like he did at our home. She dressed us as though we were wealthy although we lived in a 900 square foot home. She protected us and kept from harm. She did the best she knew how.
We all grow up thinking we will raise our children differently and I we will not make the mistakes our parents made but unfortunately we live in this great big circle and it takes effort to jump off. Now I try to help and guide my girls because as we all wish we could go back and change things we can not. So I deeply apologize and ask for forgiveness for all the mistakes I made in the lives of my girls.
My girls mean everything to me yet I didn't do my best to raise them. I was told that I did the best I knew how for that moment in time, but it wasn't my best. I live with the guilt everyday and now those moments are gone. And I do not want them to repeat my mistakes like I repeated my mother's mistakes. I know in my heart my mother did the best she could for us. We were never hungry, my husband had never experienced meals in life like he did at our home. She dressed us as though we were wealthy although we lived in a 900 square foot home. She protected us and kept from harm. She did the best she knew how.
We all grow up thinking we will raise our children differently and I we will not make the mistakes our parents made but unfortunately we live in this great big circle and it takes effort to jump off. Now I try to help and guide my girls because as we all wish we could go back and change things we can not. So I deeply apologize and ask for forgiveness for all the mistakes I made in the lives of my girls.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry all my plans for you both always fell through. Please forgive me for not putting you girls first in my life.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Love
There is no love like loving your child/ren. I remember after my mom passed away family members would tells us, "Your momma, she loved you so much" it made me feel weird, like I knew she loved us. I felt like the person telling us didn't feel love from their mom, I know it sounds weird but I never understood why people would tell us. Now I hope when I pass, people remind my girls how much I loved them. Because they are the reason I live, even now that they are adults. I think I love them more although I do miss them being younger.
The day I brought home Nicole from the hospital, I never wanted to let her go. I still have that feeling like if she was just born. I remember thinking, how did my mom let us go. There is no love like loving a child. When we were preparing for Tatiana, I was worried that I couldn't love a second child like I love Nicole but there is so much love to give them both. My love for them overflows. There are days when I do get angry at them, but I can never stay angry at them. I guess because my mom could stay angry at us for days and weeks that I never wanted my girls to experience that kind of anger, I could even call it hate. They know it too, they know that I can't be angry at them for long.
The love I have for my girls has taught me to love others. I love my Isaac and Aly so much. I love my Nate, Sophia, and new baby so much. It kills me that I am missing out on my Wyatt, Azalea, Madisyn, and Ashlyn. There is so much love I have for them.
Time is a thief, enjoy your babies. Enjoy every minute you have with them. Don't allow your anger to take from the precious time you have with them because before you know it, they will fly the nest and all you have are memories and regrets of wasted time.
I love my girls. I love their laughter. I love their silliness. I love how they have become independent young ladies. I love their beauty and their smiles. I love them.
Marisol
The day I brought home Nicole from the hospital, I never wanted to let her go. I still have that feeling like if she was just born. I remember thinking, how did my mom let us go. There is no love like loving a child. When we were preparing for Tatiana, I was worried that I couldn't love a second child like I love Nicole but there is so much love to give them both. My love for them overflows. There are days when I do get angry at them, but I can never stay angry at them. I guess because my mom could stay angry at us for days and weeks that I never wanted my girls to experience that kind of anger, I could even call it hate. They know it too, they know that I can't be angry at them for long.
The love I have for my girls has taught me to love others. I love my Isaac and Aly so much. I love my Nate, Sophia, and new baby so much. It kills me that I am missing out on my Wyatt, Azalea, Madisyn, and Ashlyn. There is so much love I have for them.
Time is a thief, enjoy your babies. Enjoy every minute you have with them. Don't allow your anger to take from the precious time you have with them because before you know it, they will fly the nest and all you have are memories and regrets of wasted time.
I love my girls. I love their laughter. I love their silliness. I love how they have become independent young ladies. I love their beauty and their smiles. I love them.
Marisol
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Gift
I gave you best gift I could give you, I gave you your father. My mom gave us back my dad I don't know if it was a good or bad thing. I gave you back your dad and it was a good thing. Both my mom and I started off for the same reason, we wanted our husbands we wanted our families. In the end it wasn't for us it was for our children.
When I see my girls interact with their father I know I did the right thing. I know that fighting for him was the right thing to do for my girls.My intentions were to keep my family together. I didn't want to lose my extended family either. I love my brother in law and his family as they were my own blood. I could not see losing them, so I fought, I fought with all I had to keep my husband mine. Now five years later I see that my fight did not go in vain because no matter how I feel about him or my marriage, it brings joy to my heart knowing that he has been a great father to his daughters.
My dad says, and I know other men feel the same way, "si no se quiere la vaca, no se quiere la cabra" (if you don't love the cow, you don't love the calf). And it's true that is why we have a generation of fatherless children.Most men work that way, it's the wrong thing to do. The childr/ren are the blame, the father's blood still runs through their veins but the father walks away never turning back.I know my husband didn't turn back when his girls needed a heater, a television, or a window in the car.I know many of my friends' ex's do not help with their children and it is heartbreaking.My cousin's father used her name for his step-daughter's insurance how low can you go?
I know when my husband and I first reunited my girls resented it and didn't understand my decision because of all the pain we all suffered and we were broken. It didn't feel like glue was going to stick. There still many missing pieces and some pieces might have been found but will never fit the same again.It's okay because we all scars on our hearts.But one day they, You Nicole and Tatiana, will realize that if Dad and I hadn't gotten back together you wouldn't have had a dad that would die for you, that would do anything in his power to support you in any way. You wouldn't have a man to call Daddy. I only want one day for you to realize that although my intentions might have been selfish in the end it was a gift for my girls.
Marisol
When I see my girls interact with their father I know I did the right thing. I know that fighting for him was the right thing to do for my girls.My intentions were to keep my family together. I didn't want to lose my extended family either. I love my brother in law and his family as they were my own blood. I could not see losing them, so I fought, I fought with all I had to keep my husband mine. Now five years later I see that my fight did not go in vain because no matter how I feel about him or my marriage, it brings joy to my heart knowing that he has been a great father to his daughters.
My dad says, and I know other men feel the same way, "si no se quiere la vaca, no se quiere la cabra" (if you don't love the cow, you don't love the calf). And it's true that is why we have a generation of fatherless children.Most men work that way, it's the wrong thing to do. The childr/ren are the blame, the father's blood still runs through their veins but the father walks away never turning back.I know my husband didn't turn back when his girls needed a heater, a television, or a window in the car.I know many of my friends' ex's do not help with their children and it is heartbreaking.My cousin's father used her name for his step-daughter's insurance how low can you go?
I know when my husband and I first reunited my girls resented it and didn't understand my decision because of all the pain we all suffered and we were broken. It didn't feel like glue was going to stick. There still many missing pieces and some pieces might have been found but will never fit the same again.It's okay because we all scars on our hearts.But one day they, You Nicole and Tatiana, will realize that if Dad and I hadn't gotten back together you wouldn't have had a dad that would die for you, that would do anything in his power to support you in any way. You wouldn't have a man to call Daddy. I only want one day for you to realize that although my intentions might have been selfish in the end it was a gift for my girls.
Marisol
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Mother
There are very few days that go by that I don't think of my Mom. There is nothing or no one that can or will replace her. The great things abouts moms is that through all their faults their smiles always shine through. I know that as a mom I have let my emotions get the best of me and my situations. I guess I did learn it from my own mom. I can remember how a silly situation turned into a massive one. I also remember how she loved to be playful and she loved to wrestle, which I do too. I always saw her as a strong, beautiful, and loving woman.
My mom made all five of her daughters feel like we were the only ones in her eyes. In so many ways, I do not come close to her. She loved to give. There was never a time when she would say no to anyone with a need. I remember buying blankets for homeless people in the winter. When family members were in need she was also there to help them. When my parents owned a store in downtown El Paso all her regular customers remembered her giving heart even if was a coke to a thirsty customer, meal to a hungry one, or even clothing to cold customer.
She was a hard worker and she was the Proverbs woman in my eyes. I am not sure she knew how much we loved her, how much she meant to us. As a mother I hope my girls love me as much as I loved my mother, I hope they see me as a strong woman who would die for them. That I have not come close to my best for them but I have done the best I knew how at the time. And I hope they forgive me for all my failures in my life and the failures I caused in their lives. I hope they know that I love them from here to the moon and back a million times.
My mom made all five of her daughters feel like we were the only ones in her eyes. In so many ways, I do not come close to her. She loved to give. There was never a time when she would say no to anyone with a need. I remember buying blankets for homeless people in the winter. When family members were in need she was also there to help them. When my parents owned a store in downtown El Paso all her regular customers remembered her giving heart even if was a coke to a thirsty customer, meal to a hungry one, or even clothing to cold customer.
She was a hard worker and she was the Proverbs woman in my eyes. I am not sure she knew how much we loved her, how much she meant to us. As a mother I hope my girls love me as much as I loved my mother, I hope they see me as a strong woman who would die for them. That I have not come close to my best for them but I have done the best I knew how at the time. And I hope they forgive me for all my failures in my life and the failures I caused in their lives. I hope they know that I love them from here to the moon and back a million times.
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