Gift

I gave you best gift I could give you, I gave you your father. My mom gave us back my dad I don't know if it was a good or bad thing. I gave you back your dad and it was a good thing. Both my mom and I started off for the same reason, we wanted our husbands we wanted our families. In the end it wasn't for us it was for our children.

When I see my girls interact with their father I know I did the right thing. I know that fighting for him was the right thing to do for my girls.My intentions were to keep my family together. I didn't want to lose my extended family either. I love my brother in law and his family as they were my own blood. I could not see losing them, so I fought, I fought with all I had to keep my husband mine. Now five years later I see that my fight did not go in vain because no matter how I feel about him or my marriage, it brings joy to my heart knowing that he has been a great father to his daughters.

My dad says, and I know other men feel the same way, "si no se quiere la vaca, no se quiere la cabra" (if you don't love the cow, you don't love the calf). And it's true that is why we have a generation of fatherless children.Most men work that way, it's the wrong thing to do. The childr/ren are the blame, the father's blood still runs through their veins but the father walks away never turning back.I know my husband didn't turn back when his girls needed a heater, a television, or a window in the car.I know many of my friends' ex's do not help with their children and it is heartbreaking.My cousin's father used her name for his step-daughter's insurance how low can you go?

I know when my husband and I first reunited my girls resented it and didn't understand my decision because of all the pain we all suffered and we were broken. It didn't feel like glue was going to stick. There still many missing pieces and some pieces might have been found but will never fit the same again.It's okay because we all scars on our hearts.But one day they, You Nicole and Tatiana, will realize that if Dad and I hadn't gotten back together you wouldn't have had a dad that would die for you, that would do anything in his power to support you in any way. You wouldn't have a man to call Daddy. I only want one day for you to realize that although my intentions might have been selfish in the end it was a gift for my girls.

Marisol

Mother

There are very few days that go by that I don't think of my Mom. There is nothing or no one that can or will replace her. The great things abouts moms is that through all their faults their smiles always shine through. I know that as a mom I have let my emotions get the best of me and my situations. I guess I did learn it from my own mom. I can remember how a silly situation turned into a massive one. I also remember how she loved to be playful and she loved to wrestle, which I do too. I always saw her as a strong, beautiful, and loving woman.

My mom made all five of her daughters feel like we were the only ones in her eyes. In so many ways, I do not come close to her. She loved to give. There was never a time when she would say no to anyone with a need. I remember buying blankets for homeless people in the winter. When family members were in need she was also there to help them. When my parents owned a store in downtown El Paso all her regular customers remembered her giving heart even if was a coke to a thirsty customer,  meal to a hungry one, or even clothing to cold customer.

She was a hard worker and she was the Proverbs woman in my eyes. I am not sure she knew how much we loved her, how much she meant to us. As a mother I hope my girls love me as much as I loved my mother, I hope they see me as a strong woman who would die for them. That I have not come close to my best for them but I have done the best I knew how at the time. And I hope they forgive me for all my failures in my life and the failures I caused in their lives. I hope they know that I love them from here to the moon and back a million times.

Please Forgive Me

I would like to start this blog by asking Nicole and Tatiana for their forgiveness. I apologize from deep in my heart for not doing the best that I could for you, Nicole and Tatiana.  I failed you both in so many ways. I wasn't the mother I wanted to be and that I know I could have been for you both. I did the best I knew how but that was not good enough. I would like to share some of my thoughts and feelings when it comes to my girls.

I hear my girls comment that they don't want to have children.I remember feeling the same way and for the same reasons, I was always surrounded by children younger than me. Although I enjoyed babysitting and spending time with my younger cousins, nieces, and nephews it was also always nice to have time with my own friends so I do understand why my girls say they don't want to have children.

They day I found I was pregnant with Nicole was the happiest day of my life. There was no other feeling like it. Although I was not married and at the time did not have a plan for my future, I knew I loved this baby more than anything in life. My pregnancy was not an easy one but the feeling of my baby moving inside me is a feeling I miss. Three years later my husband and I were ready for another child. We had a slow beginning conceiving but again finding out we were going to add to our family was the happiest feeling ever felt. Holding my babies I didn't know how one day I was gonna have to let them go and here I am with my babies turning 21 and 18 this year.

I have many regrets with my parenting and if I could back I would and I would change so many things. I would play with them more, I would play with them everyday. I would spin them and laugh with them more. I would tell them stories every single night and make me them feel so special. I would make them first and I would finish what I started like piano lessons, track, and cheer leading. I would guide them biblical and teach them to love God like He deserves to be loved not how religion teaches us. I would guide them in the right path and let them know they are priceless. During our hard times, I would be strong for them and let them know that I would not allow anything to hurt to them.

Nicole and Tatiana I love you more than anything and I am writing this blog for you both. I want you both to know how much I love you and how sorry I am for all my mistakes.